Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.

Margaret Lee Runbeck

Distance Matters: Surviving a long-distance friendship
It's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship-
Published on August 17, 2010

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I've been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship. When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn't reciprocate.

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn't scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

In both cases, I've come to recognize that we've changed as people, and don't share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life. If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past - so I don't want to drop them altogether.

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed? I've known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn't it healthy to talk things out?

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon
celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I'm still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We're both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn't age 21) so we're taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it's the first time she'll "cut loose" in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I'm feeling anxious that we're not as compatible now as we once were. I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

In both cases, it's a question of how to acknowledge change. The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

Signed,

Chelsea

ANSWER

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it's tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

While you hope you'll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar. Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you "confronted" her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don't like the term "confront" because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it's fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

In the case of Friend # 2, she's found out it's logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she's immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends' getaway to celebrate your friendship.

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you're both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

Yes, it's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship---or to even understand the transitions in the middle. It's easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no "right" way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit--- "right" depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

It's hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn't ask---but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene


p/s: extracted from somewhere...
I do enjoy reading this..
XD

Listen to my heart...
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Most of us only hear a small part of what's being said to us - or rather we hear it, we just don't listen.

We take notes, sure.
But how often do we note what we want to have heard, not what we actually did hear.

If we listen properly, we hear the choice of one word over another.
Story.
The casual dismissal of a previously held view.
Story.
The tone of voice that says 'these are my words but I don't believe them'.
Story.

Or even actual words themselves.

so...
Please..
Listen to me.
XD

Almost everyone has trouble concentrating sometimes; it is a fact of life. From time to time, the stress of daily life combined with distractions in the environment can really affect one's attention to detail. Like many human traits, all people fall somewhere along a continuum from easily able to concentrate to unable to concentrate for any considerable period of time. A certain amount of distraction is normal, but if you find yourself unable to achieve your goals, are unhappy with your performance on a regular basis, and seem to be fighting a losing battle against your inattention, you may be suffering from a condition called Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). The results of the test are not intended to diagnose you; rather, they should be considered food for thought. If you score extremely low, you might benefit from seeking a professional opinion.

Many people think of Attention Deficit Disorder as a childhood issue, but in fact, there is mounting evidence that not all children "grow out of" ADD. Fifty percent of those who are diagnosed continue to have symptoms throughout adulthood. One can only imagine that since ADD was very much unknown up until recently, there are many adults who are suffering through it without even knowing. The symptoms of ADD are different in adults than in children, and can have a significant impact as well. Adults with ADD frequently seek help out of frustration - they just can't achieve what they know they are capable of. Therapy and medication can help, along with learning specific coping tactics such as organizational skills and strategies to maintain attention. It is important to differentiate between "normal" attention problems that we all suffer from occasionally, and the symptoms of ADD, since those who have the disorder could really benefit from medication and therapeutic intervention.

The symptoms of ADD can include:

* Failing to pay close attention to details or a tendency to make careless mistakes.
* Difficulty sustaining attention on tasks.
* Trouble listening to what others say.
* Trouble following directions, failing to finish assignments.
* Losing things often.
* Easily distracted by extraneous stimuli.
* Disorganization
* Avoiding or complaining about tasks that require intense concentration.
* Failing to achieve personal goals.

To be diagnosed with ADD, there must be some evidence that the symptoms are negatively affecting the individual's functioning in social, academic or work environments. People with ADD frequently hit walls - for a while they can compensate for their disability, but once they reach a higher level of responsibility they find that they can no longer hide their problem.

On a brighter note, many individuals with ADD are also very successful, especially if they find a career that interests them and are able to take advantage of the positive traits associated with ADD. These include creativity, enthusiasm, high intelligence, an ability to do many things at once, and a powerful intuitive sense. There are many different treatments available, and they need to be tailored to the individual, so it is important to find a treating physician, psychologist, or psychiatrist who is knowledgeable in Attention Deficit Disorder.

Overall results (score 74)


Overall ability to pay attention.

You appear to have very little difficulty paying attention, and what difficulty you do have is well managed. As a result, attention problems do not inhibit your ability to achieve goals and to organize your life (this ability may be influenced by other factors though). Most likely you are relatively organized, and are able to concentrate when there are important tasks at hand. There is always room for improvement however, so you could benefit from reading the tips in the advice section.

This test assesses problems often associated with ADD. Although you show almost no symptoms, it might be useful to educate yourself about the condition because you might come across people who suffer from it. ADD is a common disorder in children and in recent years adults have been diagnosed with increasing frequency as well. Adults with ADD are often frustrated by the gap between their ability, intelligence, and skills and their actual performance. They are held back by their attention problems. Diagnosis in these individuals is important because they can then begin to learn techniques and/or get the proper medication in order to become more productive. It is also important because many individuals with ADD self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs, and this can have an even more adverse effect on their lives.


For Adults suffering from attention problems

•Take advantage of your productive moments. Get as much done as you can. Don't try to suppress the creative, unusual ideas you come up with during those times. Try to understand what brought on your productivity. Look at what it takes for you to be able to concentrate, then schedule work requiring lots of attention at that time.

• Get rid of clutter where you do your important work. This sounds easier said than done, especially if there are piles and piles of stuff in your work area, but working in a distraction-free environment will increase concentration by reducing extraneous stimulation to the brain.

• Keep your brain clutter-free as well. If there is something on your mind that is distracting you, take a few minutes to talk to someone about it, write it down in a journal or otherwise think it through. Then put it out of your mind as much as possible until later.

• Set goals for yourself. Break them down into small, manageable pieces so that you can feel that you have accomplished something even after the smallest task. They'll add up. Reward yourself for successful completion of large goals.

• Think about letdowns not as a reflection of the past or the future, but as a momentary failing. If you make a mistake or don't do well, it doesn't mean that you will always perform poorly. And by all means, don't go into new endeavors expecting failure, just because you have had a hard time in the past. People with attention problems can be very successful when they are interested in what they are doing.

• Exercise. Get rid of some of your excess energy.

• Time management is key. For important events, your work, or other times where you HAVE to be on time, plan ahead. Pack your lunch, iron your clothes and prepare everything you need the day before. Get ready far before you have to leave.

• Make lists - but make them manageable. Prioritize what really needs to be done and do it right away before you can get sidetracked. Don't beat yourself up if you get distracted; just get right back to what you are supposed to be doing.

• Make a routine for yourself. You'll be less likely to forget important things if they become habitual (e.g. put your keys on a hook by the door every time you enter your home so you always know where they are). Following routines at night ("a bedtime ritual") can help you get in the mood to sleep, possibly preventing you from thinking too much when you should be sleeping. Routines can also be useful in work or schoolwork. Once you have accomplished the essential tasks for the day, you can feel free to be more adventurous, to let your mind wander, and to run with the creative ideas you have.

For those who have been formally diagnosed: (If you haven't but you sense that these problems are negatively affecting your life, see a psychologist).

• Get informed. Find out all of your options - medical or behavioral.

• Meet the challenge head on. There is a good chance for improvement but it takes determination. Research shows that treatment outcome is highly influenced by the individual's attitude.

• Combine treatments. Drug therapy combined with psychosocial interventions can be especially helpful.

• Learn to live with the ADD. That doesn't mean you should feel that the condition is out of your control - the symptoms can be very well managed. However, finding ways to recognize the subtle signs and learning to cope with them can do wonders for a sense of control and morale.

• Find an ADD coach to motivate you and help you get organized. They are familiar with the unique needs of people with ADD and can be very helpful.

• Embrace your ADD. Many successful people suffer from ADD and still thrive. Many creative, intelligent individuals in history suffered from similar "symptoms" which were just part of what made them shine. Common words used to describe people with ADD include energetic, enthusiastic, creative, intuitive, curious and more. These are all great traits to have.

• Do not use ADD as a crutch. You should take responsibility if you make a mistake, whether or not ADD caused it. You DO have control over your actions. For instance, if you miss a deadline at work, tell yourself that you should have started earlier, rather than that ADD caused you to be late. This might help you behave differently the next time around.

• Seek social support from others with the same disorder. It will make you feel better to know that you are not alone, and they may be able to share some tips with you. There are many message boards throughout the web, or check out support groups in your area.

SIgh....
Damn sad wei........ ......
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I wanna cry!! >.<
Haiz.................................................
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never feel that bad.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
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bi.. I'm sorry.

Snapshot Report Insightfulness 94 Your results indicate that you are extremely adept at interpreting other people’s words and actions and seeing things from their perspective, which likely results in very few misunderstandings. You seem to realize that empathy is an essential part of good interpersonal skills and therefore, will do your best to place yourself in other people’s shoes in order to better understand them. You can generally get a good sense of what others are thinking and will likely adjust yourself accordingly if the people you’re conversing with seem confused or perhaps uncomfortable. Good job!